thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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