Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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