I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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