I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
