??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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