DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
