I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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