I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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