I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
