Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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