Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
