I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
