I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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