Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
