the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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