it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
