My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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