I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
