I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
