I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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