Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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