Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
