genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
