you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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