i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
