I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
