We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
