youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
