I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
