his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
