can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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