No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
