she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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