she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
