So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
