2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
