after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
