This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
