yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
