He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
