it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
