Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
