i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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