like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
