Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
