Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
