He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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