Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
