***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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