dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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