college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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