Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
